Revelations of Machael Moore's book
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From the Home office in Spenard Ak.......
Top Ten revelations from Michael Moores new book Dude Where's My Country ....
10) Stupid White men was an autobiography...
9) Didnot have sex with that woman ......Miss Lewinsky
8) The love child of Bella Abzug and Ralph Nader
7) Country Buffet managers openly weep when he enters
6) Has regular seances with the spirit of Chairman Mao and Lenin
5) Was the unknown Marx brother .....Dildo
4) Can't go to the beach without volunteers pouring water over him and trying to role him back into the ocean
3) Mad because Christy Whitman tried to have him declared a toxic waste site...
2) Would tip but doesn't want service personel to lose that "revolutionary zeal.."
1) Often confused for Roger Moore.............NOT!!!!!!!!!
Rejected Onstar commercials
Rejected Onstar commercialHello this Wolfgang Lafontaine Calamari Phillips the third with onstar =
how can I help you?
Caller " I 've locked my keys in my car and the windows are all down and =
its starting to rain...
Wolfy: You're kidding right?
Caller: No it's raining really hard and I need to unlock it so I can =
roll my windows up before the leather seats are ruined...
Wolfy: Lady you're too stupid you don't deserve leather...
Hello this is Lamar Sungod with onstar how may I help you?
Caller: I 've locked my keys in My car and My babies stuck inside and it =
's real hot here
Lamar: How old is your child ma'am?
Caller: 16.... Hurry...
Lamar: I 'll send the signal now I hope your 16 month old is OK=20
Caller: 16 years old... He s fine thanx onstar
Hello this is Avenue left turn lane Pratt with onstar may I help you?
Caller: Say down here on Colfax looking to score some crack can you hook =
me up?
Avenue: Yo, Yo,Yo, G...... I gots your back
Caller : Dude lay it on me=20
Avenue: Check it out G take yo ass to my homeboy Johnny Mac's crib bout =
three blocks right on Dayton
fourth boarded up house on the left....
Caller: He got the shnitz?
Avenue: G he hook you up you be flying in the niggasphere !!!!sent my =
home boy Leroy Malcom to score some some last week homey still be =
trippin,....thats the 411
Caller: Solid....
Avenue: Just don't roll up in his crib wit yo gat .....His bitch sis got =
capped by this one dude he still be buggin bout it=20
Caller: Oh man I feel ya......
Avenue : If Onstar aks you tell them I gave you directions to da libary =
or sompin.
Caller : Damn dog I m cool I aint no 5-O......
Onstar Billy Joe Jim Bob can I hep u?
Caller: Its my moms shes driving and suddenly she having a seizure......
Billy Joe: Tell to her cut it out that is unsafe to do while she s =
driving....
Caller : She can't help it .......
Billy Joe : Ok don't panic I 'll call the police
Dispatch; 911 dispatch whats the emerency?
Billy Joe : Onstar here I have a child whose mother is having a seizure =
while she s driving.
Dispatch: Is she stupid that's like really unsafe she could cause an =
accident tell her to cut it out......
Billy Joe: I told the kid but the damn kid keeps whinning and =
crying.....
Dispatch: I really hate that but I guess we can't blame the kid I mean =
look how the moms carrying on ...
Caller: please help me I m scared.........
Dispatch: See what I mean she keeps interupting man what ever happened =
to children should be seen and not heard.......
Caller: Please......
Billy Joe: I know listen you little brat pipe down or I'll disconnect =
you........
On star this is Jane how can I help ?
Caller: Jane I'm trying to show my friend some of onstars features...
Jane : Oh really.....
Caller: What if I lock my keys in my car?
Jane : How can somebody that stupid find a job to afford a car with =
onstar you must be a Kennedy......
Caller Jane Please......
Jane : Ok if you lock yours keys in the car I can open it from this =
location....
Caller: Ok what if I need directions...
Jane : Cant you read a map??????? are you sure your not a Kennedy?
Caller: Come on,....
Jane : If you call and need directions we can give them to you=20
Caller: What about reservations.......
Jane: Jesus chrimanny Do you need us to breath for you too?????
Jane: If you're Ted Kennedy and you drive off abridge we notify the =
authorities
Caller: I've had enough what's your supervisors name?
Jane: Her name Ida Givearatsass her # 1800-BITE-ME
Onstar this is LynchPin Jacobs has there been an accident in your car =
sir?
Caller: Yes=20
Lynch: OK I'll call 911.... Is there anyone else I can call?
Caller: Yes my wife...
Lynch: Well actually I won't have to do that I'll just have to roll over =
and wake her up...
Caller: WHAT?
Lynch: OOPS sorry you have the wrong numbers....
Caller: Why that cheatin slut here I am in a bad accident and she doing =
the Onstar guy...
Lynch: No habla englais senor.................
Onstar this is Bee Ahoe how can I help you?
Caller: I've locked my keys in my car and I m stuck in a bad part of =
town...
Bee: Ok whats you code number?
Caller : I don't know .....come on this is taking too long....
Bee: Look I need your number......
Caller: Are you deaf I don't have my freakin number....
Bee: Ma'am please I just.....
Caller : I haven't got all day .......
Bee: Look ma'am do you see a group of hispanic males on the street =
corner....
Caller: Yes...
Bee: Then go over to them and say spick that'll get your car opened =
up...REAL QUICK!!!!!
